I’m not sure why I did that, texted her in the middle of the night. I doubt she’ll see it tonight, and even when she does see it, I doubt she’ll reply. At least that’s what happened during our last text conversation; one minute we were having a conversation and the next there was silence. A question asked, left unanswered. So I drew my own conclusions and said Goodbye.
The past few days have been rough with regard to J — it’s been practically 4 months but I miss her so much. I miss the ease I felt sitting on her couch, curled up into her, her arms around me, her fingers on my head. I miss her affection, the way she instinctively knew when I needed to be hugged tightly till I felt real again. I miss seeing the world through her eyes. I even miss talking to her on the phone, and I hate the phone.
I’m not sure why I’ve been thinking of her lately. Can’t pinpoint why memories are bombarding me this way. There’s someone else, K — we’ve ‘hung out’ five times in the past month. We have plans Friday night. We text daily. I really like her. L is friends with her and likes her, too. I am moving forward. I’m making plans, seeing friends, going on (other) dates. I’m doing what I set out to do. And I remember what L said, about me deserving to be with someone who appreciates all the love I have to give. I’m trying to let that guide me.
It’s 1:18 in the morning and I don’t expect I’ll sleep much. I have laundry I could be doing. I could be cleaning this place so that it’s ready for my guest on Friday night. Hell, maybe I will do some laundry.