i’m a deflated balloon. what energy? what focus? what will? i hate nights like these, when i feel agitated and like i want to peel off my skin suit and, i don’t know, maybe i’ll feel like i can breathe again? somehow these feeling are related to the urge to self-harm. not that i do that any longer, but the urge remains no matter how many years pass. it’s this…urgent need for relief. for release. sometimes it’s akin to wanting to light a match and watch my life go up in flames so i can start over. it’s frustration, overwhelm, not-enough-ness, hunger, longing, disgust, annoyance, a sense of wasting my time. it’s loneliness and at the same time the desire to keep the world at arm’s length. it’s me, in dialogue with myself. in an argument with myself. it’s misalignment. too-many-cooks-in-the-kitchen energy. the kitchen being my mind. get on the same damned page already. i’m trying to go in 17 different directions at the same time and that doesn’t actually work. where is the stillness? the center? the guiding principle?
ahh — that’s what i needed to remember: the guiding principle of this moment. it’s like a magnet for my energy, pulls me together with all parts facing the same direction because, regardless of everything else, we’re all on the same page with regard to this.
it’s been so many years since i’ve been able to maintain focus on an overarching goal, thanks to complex ptsd. but something shifted recently and i gained this sense of momentum that i’m trying to take advantage of. because i know what i want, i know the steps i need to take to get it, and i feel capable of following through. i just need to keep my eye on the prize and let the chaos & noise fall away.