there are moments when i feel foolish for still finding myself in tears over J. it’s been nearly two months, right? little reminders shouldn’t trigger sobbing still, should they? the question is moot — my tears care nothing for “should” or “should not.” they just are. i’m grieving not just our relationship, but our future. i’m grieving possibility and someone who matched my excitement about trying new things. i’m grieving “always,” even though i knew what a sticky word it can be. i’m grieving purpose and movement and dates in my calendar. our “to-do” list of things we were going to experience together. i’m grieving a relationship that cracked open my heart in ways i didn’t know existed, and showed me parts of myself that had been hidden. i’m not living in the past, but every so often it taps me on the shoulder and i can’t help but remember. i can’t not look back.
