i was going to start over in a new blog, hidden from everyone i know, but that takes more effort than i care to exert.
i am tired. more than just physically, mentally, or emotionally. i’m tired of the effort it takes to explain myself, to make myself understood. this blog is the easiest solution.
if you’re here and i know you IRL, it’s either because you’re my š« and you’ve been following me (unbeknownst to me) for the past 4 years (& sharing anything you read here would mean mutual destruction), you’re my friend and i feel completely safe with you, or you’re not involved in my daily life enough for it to matter one way or another.
how strange — i don’t know that there are more than maybe 2 or 3 people walking the earth that i can say i feel completely safe with. but considering my deep-seated paranoia and general distrust of people, i guess 2 or 3 people is significant. there’s L, who’s been here through it all — good, bad, & scary — and somehow completely accepts me as i am. they serve as one of my main anchors in this world. they’re the calm to my tasmanian devil energy. they’re reason when i’m completely off the wall. then there’s B, who is simply a beautiful human person. B takes me seriously when most others would roll their eyes and dismiss me out of hand. he’s taken the time to see me through some of the hardest shit i’ve dealt with over the past couple of years. and he’s rare in that he instinctually knows what i need to hear, when i need to hear it.
those are the two people who stand out to me as being ‘safe.’ actually, there’s one more person who has always offered me safety: my godmother. when it’s just the two of us, i can feel myself begin to unclench and breathe more easily, in a very literal sense. she’s someone who’s always seen me, from before i ever had a clear vision of myself.
i don’t know if the average person has more or fewer ‘safe’ people in their life, but considering the quality of my people and our relationships, i feel very lucky.