it’s not even 10:30am and i feel overwhelmingly lonely. but the problem isn’t with anyone else, it’s me. it’s feeling like i don’t fit into this meat suit, into this place. this life, here. it’s longing for something else, something somehow more. immediacy. connection. but i’m not easily reached. i feel uncomfortably aware of the boundaries between self and other. they’re so much more than just physical, they’re tied up in language and the easy shorthand i have with only a handful of scattered people in my life.
i don’t feel seen. i feel unrecognizable when i look in the mirror. the season we’re entering is one of unfamiliarity — yet i’ve experienced it before. it feels like a beginning, of sorts. something i have to be willing to dive into head-first and hope for the best.
it requires energy and focus, but i’ve neither. it requires a plan. i’m waiting on something — don’t ask me what — but when it comes to pass i’ll know, and then maybe i’ll be able to act. or at least formulate a plan of action.
or maybe i’m simply waiting on a specific text tone to sound.
there’s also this strong need for connection to something deeper within myself. i think maybe i’m not allowing myself to feel my feelings at the moment, which is very on brand.
am i dealing with emotional flashbacks? if i’m jumping timelines, everything makes a lot more sense.