i’m feeling particularly vulnerable right now and, as a result, i feel myself mentally checking out/distancing myself (at least in my mind) from the person triggering my vulnerability. normally, i would just allow this process to play out, but i’m trying to be more forthright in my communication. so it seems like the better option would be to explain the processes i’m observing in myself to this person instead of suppressing the feelings themselves and trying to deal with it on my own without ‘making a mess.’ because that’s another thing that’s on my mind — the messiness that accompanies facing these emotional processes head-on. it reeks of too-much-ness and neediness. then again, i’m choosing to enter into a relationship that i know will stir up a lot of emotional baggage. in doing so, i don’t really have the option of numbing out when difficult feelings arise. not if i want it to work out.
this feels draining (because it is) and i sense my mind trying to wander away from this line of thinking — i’m fighting it so that i can put these words down. my eyes are starting to close as i feel sleep (escape) pulling me under. it’s amazing what a body will do in an effort to ‘protect.’ fine, i’ll nap. but i won’t avoid the conversation that needs to happen later.