September 2019
I am a person prone to extremes. I know this. And at the moment it feels exciting — I want to go on an adventure! I want to go out and get swept up in crowds of people going every which way and pick a show to see. Buy tickets and then grab food somewhere that looks good. I want to meet people — my people. I’m fortunate to know a lot of my tribe, but they’re far flung across the country, if not the ocean.
I miss having people I can call to make plans and go out — anywhere, to do whatever, doesn’t matter because it’s not about the destination.
Among “Highly Sensitive People” (HSPs) there’s a subgroup of “High Sensation Seekers” (HSSs). In terms of that model of understanding people, I am a HSS HSP.
I guess when you’re used to feeling EVERY EFFING THING so deeply — the good and the bad, moments of blah-ness need to be ramped up a few notches. Or more.
“I want adventure in the great wide somewhere! I want it more than I can stand. And for once it might be grand to have someone understand; I want so much more than they’ve got planned….”
Maybe those lyrics will always resonate with me, no matter how old I am.
I know that the things we think we want may not actually BE what we want, and what we get may be better than we could have possibly dreamed… I’ve learned that over and over. So now I don’t necessarily make plans the way I used to. In my mind, I’d have accomplished x, y, & z by the time I was age __. I had a vision of the way I wanted my life to play out. That ended up being fodder for someone’s laughter — God or what have you.
Nothing has gone as planned.
My life has been a series of winding roads I’ve beaten through the brush, because I found places that weren’t marked on any map. Places I could never possibly have fathomed — both good & bad. And I guess there’s a small part of me that still wishes my life could resemble “normal,” but I also think I’m coming to a place of deeper acceptance of what has transpired, as well as more profound gratitude for where I am & what I have.
I’d still like to go out and get lost for a bit — it’s part of who I am. But it’s really good to know what’s waiting for me at home.