I look at my life as though it is a book or a movie: there’s a plot, there’s a beginning — a before, there’s conflict, there’s resolution — an after. And that’s the problem: from the get-go, I’m operating under false assumptions.
Life is.
Then it isn’t.
Between those points, shit happens. Good shit, bad shit, every-color-of-the-rainbow-type shit. It’s all open to interpretation. And, of course, how you interpret any single thing determines the next thing, so you’d better get your head on straight.
That’s something I can’t manage to do with any consistency. I might wake up tomorrow feeling like a waste of space and resources. Or I might wake up shiny & new, joyful from the feeling the sunshine on my face. Though most days are a combination of the two, only less extreme, but with the ability to do a 180-degree turn on a dime.
Knowing these things about myself doesn’t change them or make them disappear. Instead, I live with the knowledge that this, too, shall pass, good and bad and everything in between.
Experience has taught me that, somehow, the center holds, even when I feel like I’ve completely lost the plot. Something invisible but nonetheless real underlies my emotional weather and cognition, regardless of my moment-to-moment interpretation of internal phenomena.
This knowledge does little to calm the utter panic I experience in the moments of disorientation and confusion. But I suppose I have little blue pills for that.
In this moment, I’m sitting on my bed, one leg folded underneath me. I’m trying to breathe through the anxiety I’ve felt stalking me for the past couple of days. I’m considering my options re: how not to lose the plot that I feel slipping out of grasp: which pill will pause the slipperiness long enough for me to dry my clammy hands and regain purchase?
I decide on a combination that will quell the immediate anxiety while also affording me time to orient myself. I’m grateful to have these options. If I focus on gratitude, I don’t have to pay mind to the part of me wondering if “survive” will ever become “thrive.”